We who live with or have lived with a problem drinker, can understand as perhaps few others can, the pain, sadness, fear and anxiety that you may be experiencing.In many cases, as admitted often by Al-Anon members, we the “non-drinkers” had become even sicker than the drinker. Our desperate attempts to control the situation, to try and respond rationally to an irrational situation, and make repeated efforts to fix the problem, only to experience the same failures time and time again, caused us to lose our own sanity to some degree or another.
Alcoholism is undoubtedly a disease that affects every member of the family.Proof of that statement can be found when speaking to children who live in an alcoholic home as they will often report having more difficulty dealing with the non-drinking parent than they do with the alcoholic or problem drinker. That may sound strange, even outlandish to someone reading this for the first time. You might even respond with – “how could I be the problem, he/she is the one who drinks too much and I’m the one who always has to fix everything they do!” Consider the innocent but highly intuitive nature of children and realize that they have an easy ability to learn the behaviors of the problem drinker. Because the alcoholic behavior is predictable, kids learn how to know exactly when to look for attention from the drinker, that moment when they are fun and seemingly happy, and when to stay far away and not ruffle any feathers, that moment when they are irritable, angry or even violent.
Kids learn very quickly how to respond to their drinking parent’s mood and can see it coming long before it arrives. We however, the spouses, the brothers, sisters, parents, grandparents, etc., feel a great obligation to “help” or “fix” the alcoholic’s problems.
We have done this in many ways such as; lying for them, hiding bottles, taking care of debts, making excuses to their jobs, ignoring or keeping silent about the bad things that happened, hiding the truth, and all sorts of other things that prevent the drinker from experiencing the consequences of their own actions.We “rescue” our beloved alcoholic as often as we can, but what we learn in Al-Anon is that our own behaviors can be even more irrational than the drinker; our thinking becomes distorted without us even knowing it. As a result, our actions and emotional states are much less predictable than the drinker and therefore, we can lead ourselves right down our own path of destruction and personal insanity – one moment we are yelling in anger at the alcoholic, the next moment we are crying from the hurt of their actions, and the next we are desperately attempting to save them from themselves.
The reason for this irrational and sometimes even insane behavior on our parts comes from many sources but the simple truth is, we DO have a choice and this is a philosophy that most people in the situation cannot see nor understand until they seek help from sources such as Al-Anon.
We learn that we don’t have to accept unacceptable behaviors.We don’t have to make excuses for them anymore and in fact we learn that our own efforts to rescue the problem drinker from their actions, actually allows them to make it so much easier to continue doing more of the same. The term for this type of behavior by the non-drinker is called “enabling” - if there’s always someone there to bail the drinker out of a problem or situation, what motivation do they have to stop acting that way? Just like the child who can predict the alcoholic’s mood, so can the alcoholic predict and very effectively manipulate the behaviors of their enabling loved one. In Al-anon we learn to detach ourselves from the situation, but do so with love and understanding of the alcoholic’s illness.
Through the Al-Anon principles, we can come to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. We do so by keeping the focus on us, not on the alcoholic…
CONTINUE TO STEP 3
If the answer to any of the above is yes, then Al-Anon can help you recognize that changed attitudes can lead to your own recovery from the devastating effects of the family disease of alcoholism.
More information can be found here.
Alcoholism is undoubtedly a disease that affects every member of the family.Proof of that statement can be found when speaking to children who live in an alcoholic home as they will often report having more difficulty dealing with the non-drinking parent than they do with the alcoholic or problem drinker. That may sound strange, even outlandish to someone reading this for the first time. You might even respond with – “how could I be the problem, he/she is the one who drinks too much and I’m the one who always has to fix everything they do!” Consider the innocent but highly intuitive nature of children and realize that they have an easy ability to learn the behaviors of the problem drinker. Because the alcoholic behavior is predictable, kids learn how to know exactly when to look for attention from the drinker, that moment when they are fun and seemingly happy, and when to stay far away and not ruffle any feathers, that moment when they are irritable, angry or even violent.
Kids learn very quickly how to respond to their drinking parent’s mood and can see it coming long before it arrives. We however, the spouses, the brothers, sisters, parents, grandparents, etc., feel a great obligation to “help” or “fix” the alcoholic’s problems.
We have done this in many ways such as; lying for them, hiding bottles, taking care of debts, making excuses to their jobs, ignoring or keeping silent about the bad things that happened, hiding the truth, and all sorts of other things that prevent the drinker from experiencing the consequences of their own actions.We “rescue” our beloved alcoholic as often as we can, but what we learn in Al-Anon is that our own behaviors can be even more irrational than the drinker; our thinking becomes distorted without us even knowing it. As a result, our actions and emotional states are much less predictable than the drinker and therefore, we can lead ourselves right down our own path of destruction and personal insanity – one moment we are yelling in anger at the alcoholic, the next moment we are crying from the hurt of their actions, and the next we are desperately attempting to save them from themselves.
The reason for this irrational and sometimes even insane behavior on our parts comes from many sources but the simple truth is, we DO have a choice and this is a philosophy that most people in the situation cannot see nor understand until they seek help from sources such as Al-Anon.
We learn that we don’t have to accept unacceptable behaviors.We don’t have to make excuses for them anymore and in fact we learn that our own efforts to rescue the problem drinker from their actions, actually allows them to make it so much easier to continue doing more of the same. The term for this type of behavior by the non-drinker is called “enabling” - if there’s always someone there to bail the drinker out of a problem or situation, what motivation do they have to stop acting that way? Just like the child who can predict the alcoholic’s mood, so can the alcoholic predict and very effectively manipulate the behaviors of their enabling loved one. In Al-anon we learn to detach ourselves from the situation, but do so with love and understanding of the alcoholic’s illness.
Through the Al-Anon principles, we can come to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. We do so by keeping the focus on us, not on the alcoholic…
- Are you afraid of what conflict or tragedy might happen next with your problem drinker?
- Are you fearful of how you’ll feel tomorrow if the drinking behaviors don’t stop?
- Are you sick and tired of feeling sick and tired?
CONTINUE TO STEP 3
If the answer to any of the above is yes, then Al-Anon can help you recognize that changed attitudes can lead to your own recovery from the devastating effects of the family disease of alcoholism.
More information can be found here.